[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
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When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.