[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
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I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire