[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
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Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.