Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.

Buying In Bulk

In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month

In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight

me: I don’t like other people’s kids

them: how old are yours?

me: I don’t have any

[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go

*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*

*checks for abs, finds a clown

*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*

Me: How romantic.

*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*

Me: WTF

Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?

son: can I borrow your tie for my interview

dad: my what

son: I need a tie

dad: one more time

son: *sighs* your business necklace

It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.

My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!

PLEASE do not tell my husband

if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.

When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.

whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary

Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.

My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*

Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?

Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None

Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.

Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)

My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.

“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”

Me:

“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”

Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu

umm…

[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing

In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.

just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??

I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.

Friend: I set a new personal record last week

Me: Me too

Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time

Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.

Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin

I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house