(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
You Might Also Like
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.