(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
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I’ve been locked out of Tinder because of “unusual activity”. I must’ve got a match.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
I remember reading an article about how Somali pirates had fallen on such hard times that their luxury cars were getting repossessed and all I could think was that a Somali repo man who takes cars back from pirates must be the toughest bastard on planet Earth.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Are you a hero about to fight some baddies? Here are some battle cry ideas to strike fear into your enemies’ hearts:
* Hot buttery death!
* HR will hear about this!
* I’m as strong as fifty men and as crazy as a thousand raccoons!
* Brenda!
* Don’t hit me! I’m telling Mom!
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions