[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
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Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
What did the 0 said to O?
Ohio!
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Mornin. * use accordingly
