Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.

Bourbon.

i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”

Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?

me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something

I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.

[watching Olympic Figure Skating]

Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!

T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was

Me: oh

WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know

The world is your Oyster.

So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?

It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers

I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”

Now we wait.

Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.

Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.

ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?

DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine

Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.

It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.

I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?

[Sirens]
Dude open the door!

*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!

What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?

Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor

Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?

Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course

Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.

drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”

My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”

If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.

when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.

[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]

Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches

I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.

We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man

Me: what big eyes you have!

Me: what big nose you have!

Me: what big teeth you have!

Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?

At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017

Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.