Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it

WHEN CATS ARE SAD

Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.

The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.

I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch

It took her 3 hours

She was so excited to be done

Then I served dinner.

Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.

Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.

“Mummy, you look pretty today.”

If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.

Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.

Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?

Me: we should probably go to bed

Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning

Me: ok

*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’

me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other

mime teacher: *thumbs up*

I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that

Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.

he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff

Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?

My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.

There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal

I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:

1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home

Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.

I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.

I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.

No pun in ten did.

A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig

If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer

Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..

Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..

Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.

Me: Sweet.

[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?

Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.

Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”

17, “Have u seen my adderal?”

Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.

LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan