Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG

Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”

Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals

Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –

Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?

Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.

Husband: Where is the candy?

Me: What candy?

Husband: The Easter candy.

Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.

You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.

“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous

sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw

Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like

i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili

“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”

Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever

If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.

Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.

you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.

“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”

When people talk about someone who died, they’re always like “They had the biggest heart, they would have done anything for you,” but I feel like when I die they’ll be like “She would sometimes text you some halfhearted advice.”

Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question

My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.

I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.

The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.

That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.

Turning to the person next to me and saying “thanks for nothing” as I get off the train

I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.

“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym

That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.

[driving home in silence]

me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy

gf: they were lowering his coffin

Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.

I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).