[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
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dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.
Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..
I hate myself
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.