[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
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My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Oh we’ve met.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
WHY would you be happy about this?
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5