Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV

At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.

Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.

Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?

Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*

Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.

Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.

Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”

Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”

911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”

cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding

me: fine

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.

Flowers bee like

Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.

📸: @thesproutingsunflower

You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!

I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.

I’ll see myself out.

IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.

Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia

Girls are a lot like oceans,

beautiful

and deep

but once a month

it’s shark week.

Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?

Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.

my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102

I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.

Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!

Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.

Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!

Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…

[ first time mugging ]

me: gimme all your mash

him: did..did you just say-

me: mash. omg i did

him: lol

me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry

him: np my dude, take it from the top

me: gimme all your coney ope

Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’

I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’

Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers

My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.

If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.

A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along

“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing

If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.