Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
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don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Feels like the fourth month in January
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
I can’t wait!
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?