Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
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**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin
As a kid: what tf does that mean?
Turns 40: ohhhhh
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse
Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)
My Dad: No!
Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up
Years Later
My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)
My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
People are always calling me “Einstein” so I know I’m super duper smart.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
