*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
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follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’