*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
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This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
So sorry
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Steam Forums
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.