Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eels

I didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy

Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool

Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2

Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad

I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.

*Wakes up in Superman’s body*

Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!

*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*

Think you have only one chin? Let your kid take a picture of you from their POV and you will find you are sorely mistaken.

When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.

Ladies, if he:

– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteries

He’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.

This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.

A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.

I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.

I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.

Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror

I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.

Yeah. Offer delivery.

A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through

Putting my Christmas tree up today. Big day for my cats

New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.

*walks into hospital carrying baby*

“What’s your return policy on this thing?”

Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…

Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?

Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.

If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭

Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?

Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.

Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.

I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”

Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?

Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.

Hostess:

Me: Write it down.

A book written by and for chickens is called a bok

Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face

Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.

For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.