*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
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Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Netflix and you sit over there.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE