Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
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Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
all the leaves are brown
and this guy is greg
Penguins walking in 5x speed
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!