Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
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Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
“what the fuck could you possibly be doing on the roads at 3am on a monday morning” me, to other cars, while I am also on the roads at 3am on a monday morning
Breaking news:
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
“What are your dogs’ names?”
Me: “Calvin and Klein.”
“Isn’t that a brand of underwear?”
Me: “Exactly, they’re boxers.”
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up