[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
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Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.