[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
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*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro