[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
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I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.