Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.

Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.

Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.

The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.

*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity

[creating the armadillo]

GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very

Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…

MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-

ME: *slams on brakes*

It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*

[job interview]

What’s your biggest weakness?

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.

Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.

You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.

-Disney

My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.

Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.

Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?

Her: awww. Like the day we met?

Him: No, before that.

*During sex*

Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.

DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush

ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing

[Snake Owners Club]

Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.

[Me & like 3 other guys leave]

getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you

[Being chased by killer]

Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*

My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.

Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend… especially the mom that many years ago was leaving a very busy playground and her kid yelled to his brother “hurry up! Mom wants too poop pretty bad!”

CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?

YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.

CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.

I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still

PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*

If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.

4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”

Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.

4-year-old: We thank the microwave?

I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?

While on a family road trip

My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?

Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking

My Kid: How about at the next stop light?

Me: sure…

Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination