Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?

ME: *climbing in* I can try

I hate when that happens.

Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*

I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent

To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?

Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.

Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim

Kid: Even Jesus?

Mom: Of course

Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?

Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.

Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.

Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.

Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.

“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks

My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?

I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.

Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.

Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…

Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours

cats:

me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes

me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf

Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?

4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full

Me: are you sure…

4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!

Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…

4yo: Can I have a snack?

Me: 🧐

I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…

I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.

*Son storms in

‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’

A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.

Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…

I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN

Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”

Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.

I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma

I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.

It’s not you.

Just the things you say, think, and do.

Think I pulled my liver

[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”