[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
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Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
my astrological sign is a french fry
My Sentiments Exactly
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.