Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
What do you call someone who chews all day?
A train
I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Stephen King’s It is the bone chilling story about adults who are forced to spend time with their childhood friends.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
What did the 0 said to O?
Ohio!
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
