Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
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my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
😜
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?