[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
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Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
lmao😭🤣
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*