Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”

Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”

5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”

Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.

Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.

Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction

Me: what’s the deal with airplane food

Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise

Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.

[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN

can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.

My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.

When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”

Doctor: So what brings you in today?

Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.

I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.

I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.

I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.

*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store

We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.

Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because make up phrases

Girlfriend: yes

Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch

Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about

“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”

One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it

I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..

Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.

went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.

I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.

Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x

the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken

Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.

lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg

I came this close!!!!