[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
You Might Also Like
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.
He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”
Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.
If they are stale enough you could easily kill two birds with one scone
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS