Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.

blocking someone isn’t enough i want them to be forced to drink orange juice after brushing their teeth

I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.

if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.

Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”

Me: ”Yes!”

Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”

Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”

Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.

spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores

[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so

You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.

Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.

So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..

Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating

Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow

There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.

I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.

Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices

Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger

It took me three decades to become an overnight success.

“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load

Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.

Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.

don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good

I don’t think we should be adding any new states to the US until we fix whatever the fuck is wrong with New Jersey

[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]

friend: holly shit. everything is gone

me: i’m gonna try out for the nba

friend: what

me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it

[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?

“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life

velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery

scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery

“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”

Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”

“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head

[Diner]

Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free

*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*

my 6 year-old: im a police

Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.