Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.
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you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Air conditioning – not a fan
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
the council will decide your fate
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.