Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.
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“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Sharon, call the vet
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.