[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
You Might Also Like
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
I’d rather go liquor treating.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
I feel sorry for dogs. They learnt to fetch newspapers, but newspapers are dying. Killed by an internet driven by cats.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.