Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
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*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
My partner bought a CD player that we can plug into our car so we can play our CDs and the Amazon listing features the following images. 💀💀💀
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”