Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
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The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Hansel and Gretel is my favourite childhood story about cooking an old lady in an oven
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
had my yearly physical and the dr signed me up for flu & covid vaccine and i had to tell her no & explain i am not an antivaxer i just always get my covid shot the night before the phillies have an afternoon playoff game so i can use my vaccine pto to stay home from work to watch
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”