Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
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Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope