Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
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My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Stork: I have a baby.
Pigeon: I have the mail.
Canary: I have bad news.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Breaking news:
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
These are my roll models.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.