Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is your wife single?

Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.

Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑

If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga

I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym

I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore

Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away

A duv-egg? In this economy?

Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?

Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.

I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.

Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.

Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kites

Things my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:

Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?

17: That the public is crazy.

Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids

Me: oh no

Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while

Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now

Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?

*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.

You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.

Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones

Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas

Him: You’re unbelievable!

Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?

There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣

Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.

Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.

[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”

[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*

The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.

Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.

[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”

[Doctors appt]

Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.

Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.

Sooo many times…..

Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.

God tier horse name today on the sims

*swipes right on my hand mirror