trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
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a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
A Story in Three Acts
I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.
II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.
***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***
III. Noooooooooooooooo
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.