trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
You Might Also Like
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Not today, today.
Not today.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice