Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’

ALL week.

Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.

Why is my purse so heavy?

*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit

Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.

I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…

… and that world peace thing.

I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.

“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”

-Me, as a therapist

From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.

If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.

Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?

stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did

michael scott: that’s what she said

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind

[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks

I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.

I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse

Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.

Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.

Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?

Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.

cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

me: I’m not psychic, Craig

cop: my name is Greg

me: I work at Starbucks

[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where

I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.

🤣

*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*

me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.

I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.

Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.

It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.

You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?

*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!