Trying
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Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
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I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-