tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
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Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Therapist accidentally sent me her cat
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle