tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
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There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Trying
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad