Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.

It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.

Life hack:

Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday

For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.

When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.

She puts the hot in psychotic

life finds a way

AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.

Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no

Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.

Jake Paul just announced that he’s fighting my dead grandmother next.

This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.

My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.

*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]

I wanted to look sharp!

Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.

Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…

Now, I look like an idiom.

[Watching the sunset over Paris]

BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*

GF: OH MY GOD!!

BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend

My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”

We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store

There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.

The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.

michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe

*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]

I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.

WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday

Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?

Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.

A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”

Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.

Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*

Vampire: Thank you.