Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.

We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids

Dear young cashier,

$100.89 is not pronounced $189.

Signed, a lady you scared

Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.

Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.

There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore

[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out

It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.

Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired

A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.

INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes

BOSS: what should we call it

GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea

People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.

2019: The floor is lava.

2020: The year is lava.

me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code

In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it

You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing

The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.

Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.

The idea that librarians spend all their time telling children to shush is an unflattering, outdated, and severe stereotype. We actually spend all our time telling children to stop running.

Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-

Wife: No

reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:

-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching

Them: You’re too focused on revenge

Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that

no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life

I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then

I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.

“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”

date: i like the strong silent type

me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]

Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*

No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.