Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.

Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain

I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’

ME: rock, paper, scissors

PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google

im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:

every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive

Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.

This makes total sense…

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME: did the dog put you up to this

Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?

Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.

you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…

me: fork.

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog

[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*

Friend: You need help?

Me: I need to write a couple letters.

Friend: OK

Me: Not those.

when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm

[being eaten alive by cannibals]

cannibal: is he… joining in?

I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER

crochet youtube is brutal

Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.

Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?

Dr: I hate this job.

[in the park]

Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…

Her: uh huh, I guess…

Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]

[Conditioning my hair in the shower]

Me: *rings bell*

My hair: *salivates*

Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.

Wife: What? Why?

Me: I was calling her Siri.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: I’m naming our next kid.

My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.

like u make the diseases or are against them ?

Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.

Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?

PRIEST: *cry laughing

ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk

MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi

[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers

Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.