Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.

[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]

Security guard: sir do you have business here?

Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone

SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker

me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!

7yo: What’s the radio?

There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.

Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.

My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?

Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.

Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink

If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.

The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.

WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?

ROCK HARD ABS!!!

WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?

RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.

My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.

*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO

I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars

My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20

Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast

I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious

Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.

Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69

My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”

“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”

– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall

I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.

I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.

Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.

“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-

“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!

~Poprah

I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.

She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂

If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.

I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.