@Holy_Mowgli

TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces

me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]

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@TheQuietPsycho

When I was 20, I interviewed to harvest llama wool and showed up with a vegetable peeler. I was maybe drunk

I can’t even make this up

@behindyourback

I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense

@maughammom

I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..

@jonnysun

being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican

@envydatropic

When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question

I know this now

@MrFornicator

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

@KeetPotato

my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son