Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
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COP: put ur hands in the air
C: now flip them over
C: now cross them
C: put them behind ur head
C: hey macarena
How did the date go?
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
me: can i have a coke
waiter: is Pepsi ok?
me: ya pepsi’s fine
pepsi: i have a boyfriend
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
The news in a nutshell.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.