TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
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Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows