“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
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When I was 20, I interviewed to harvest llama wool and showed up with a vegetable peeler. I was maybe drunk
I can’t even make this up
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
i’m laughing very hard in real life
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son