Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*

coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing

The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.

it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal

[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.

Me 🙂

My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back

Me 🙁

When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.

Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing

My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.

Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”

And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.

[marital relations]

My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?

Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!

Guinness: …
(tilts her head)

imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now

I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.

If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks

ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy

What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??

A Boo Meringue

6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?

Me: For cups.

6: But you can’t drink and drive.

Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!

*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…

I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.

Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?

Waiter: You can only take your own food

Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats

Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”

Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?

“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito

5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?