TSA agent: is…this a…cattle prod?
Me: it’s for the wankers who crowd the baggage carousel
TSA agent: oh right then. go ahead
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Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Foot f**ish should just be called feetish
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Can we stop calling it autocorrect and call it what it is… auto-guesstimate-entirely-inaccurately
Sunday
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Sunday
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.