Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position

Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?

Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*

CS: 683648AC4712.

Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!

CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?

Me: No thanks *click*

Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”

8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.

Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁

ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers

“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.

My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.

Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.

jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly

From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.

Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.

You: (about to show me a video on your phone)

Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it

Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.

Murder Hornets: ok boomer

Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.

Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.

But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!

Me: Aw thank y-

4: because you’re round

Me: …

4: and plumpy

Me: go to your room

a house without a chimney should be called a nouse

Date: I’m looking for security

Me: I double knot my shoelaces

Date: but also excitement

Me: together

Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”

If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”

You can avoid every meeting.

You’re welcome.

Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.

Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?

Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.

What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.

Friend: Good for you for working out.

Me: I said I done squat today.

[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”

to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.

They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.

It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…

I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.