Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wearing headphones to the club to pretend i’m the dj

I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch

Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”

Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”

Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”

Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.

SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.

DAD: Guess you could say-

SON: NO DON’T-

DAD: -that’s sound advice.

I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”

What have I done to deserve this oh yeah

Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!

EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.

Her: See ya later alligator!

Me: *slithers into swamp*

*Comments on Facebook picture*

“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”

If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.

I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver

I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…

accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off

One week of daily crunches and I have abs…urdly underestimated how long it will take to see results.

Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?

Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?

CEO: Genius!

*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*

Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.

Don’t do that.

Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?

Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones

Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake

If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.

“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.

People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.

I hope my company doesn’t😂😂

My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in

One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.

I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”

Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures