TSA agent just said the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.
“Keep track of your gifts. Don’t want Santa’s elves to take your toys back to the North Pole”.
The elves wouldn’t do that. That’s not what they do.
Don’t touch me.
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They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
I’m not stressed
No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don’t know if you’ll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*