TSA agent just said the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.
“Keep track of your gifts. Don’t want Santa’s elves to take your toys back to the North Pole”.
The elves wouldn’t do that. That’s not what they do.
Don’t touch me.
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A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Dermatologist just told me this surgery is going to leave a scar.
Can we have a moment of silence for the death of my modeling career?
Vampire walks into a grocery store and asks for a loaf of bread. The clerk looks at him and asks: “Why bread?” The vampire says: “There’s a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.’
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.