Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.

Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.

For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear

I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.

I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.

I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.

I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …

Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see

Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.

Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”

*After roommate performs a summoning spell*

Me:

Roommate:

Me:

Roommate:

Me:

Roommate:

Me: So does he just live here now?

Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites

me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd

my kids: what’s a cd?

me: *dies of old age*

[first day working at a bakery]

Customer: can I get a-

Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out

She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.

So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?

Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.

ME: will you *opens box* marry me

HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp

ME: idk is that a yes

[guy who’s about to invent dates]

*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?

There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.

People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?

i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it

[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.

Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……

Me:….*shoe ready in hand*

Also me: you’re actually kinda cute

Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*

Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*

Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.

I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.

I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him

Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.

*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.

I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.