TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
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I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels
amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!