TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
You Might Also Like
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else