TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?![]()
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“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
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I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?