Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here

Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich

There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school

This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.

I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.

Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”

My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful

🤝

Me : Disgrace😭

Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.

How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?

My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.

I said “Happy”

Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.

Secondary school me: my speech is abou….

My guys at the back:

So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No

* 3 days later watching TV

OMG u rearranged the living room

– Men

Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.

I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes

Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?

Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired

I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.

Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops

Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”

It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails

In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me

It finally happened, someone filming for their man on the street interview tiktok series at washington square park accidentally approached another person there trying to film a man on the street interview tiktok series

I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.

Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:

They shrink everyone on earth on purpose

The planet will never run out of resources

Everyone is eaten by ants

I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.

VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?

How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people

Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off

I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.

My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.

why does this building look like a guilty dog