Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread

likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.

Voodoo map

i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health

Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.

Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it

I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”

I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.

[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]

I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”

It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together

I know this now

Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?

Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?

constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one

They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong

Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.

her: I named my baby Susan

me: boring

her: she’s a puppy

me: omg I love it

I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.

I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.

my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”

Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again

Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.

(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)

My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.

No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.

Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…

[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis

The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.

I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”

I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.