TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks.
Him: “The hell are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers?
Me: “Oh they’re just light sticks. For concerts and stuff.”He then fucking leaned in and did a Yoda voice.
“MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM.” He said.
Blindsided me.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”
Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
🍛
In 1987, an American weapons manufacturing employee joked to his boss that he had sold secrets to the Daleks. The boss reported the employee and the matter reached the FBI, where the investigation stopped after someone explained who the Daleks were.
