Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?

*blinks profusely at cashier*

Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.

Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you

Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe

It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.

-everyone on Twitter

Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what

DATING IN YOUR 20’S

“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”

DATING IN YOUR 30’S

“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”

Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.

o: I want a tail

GENIE: ok

α: longer

GENIE: sure

q: LONGER

GENIE: dude

@: perfect

Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.

*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*

I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions

Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands

I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”

There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm

After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.

I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems

do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge

[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK

My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.

[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED

Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.

My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine

My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.

THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???

My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere

*walks into a dollar store*

excuse me, where would I find the dollars?

There is no “we” in chocolate.

Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.

If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight

If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.

I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”