TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks.
Him: “The hell are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers?
Me: “Oh they’re just light sticks. For concerts and stuff.”He then fucking leaned in and did a Yoda voice.
“MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM.” He said.
Blindsided me.
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Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Rt to bother an English speaker
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
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