TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks.
Him: “The hell are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers?
Me: “Oh they’re just light sticks. For concerts and stuff.”He then fucking leaned in and did a Yoda voice.
“MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM.” He said.
Blindsided me.
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Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.