Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”

I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.

My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…

*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”

Mmmm yeah, you like that?

My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved

Personal Trainer: Do you run?

Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.

Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.

I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”

british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely

american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east

NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese

My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.

Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear

I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.

“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.

Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?

Me: I don’t know, CAN you?

*High-fives high school English teacher*

I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.

it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us

Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.

Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…

My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.

{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}

{whispers} planet shoes

JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred

ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*

my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her

archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television

Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!

Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!

I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”

Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.

Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.

Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…

“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.

Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing

I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”