Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The chart results are in…

there are two types of people:

– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send

– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word

I can’t believe the 12 days of Christmas is all birds and musicians and not a single thing with potatoes anywhere.

i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.

I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out

The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.

Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.

My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”

*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead

my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET

Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.

*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”

Me when my kids were little: I hope people like them and they make lots of friends
Me now: WHY ARE MY KIDS’ FRIENDS ALWAYS HERE

[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”

lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.

walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?

me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR

customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it

me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are

Having a bad vocabulary is very bad

I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”

That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…

Some women seated next to me are gossiping in French, they obviously think I’m some dumb American who doesn’t speak French and they are correct

how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer

Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?

Me: I’ve seen more than two.

My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.

one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through

Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH

“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”

The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.

Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social

Cat:

Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous

Cat:

*power goes out*

Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*

Cat: you were saying