TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
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is frankincense just very honest incense?
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
handsome & gretel
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.