TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
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Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Me: I’m Absolutely broke
State of the art tech advertisers who know every single detail of my life: She needs the nicest most expensive bag ever! Oh and Taylor Swift tickets, at 3 times the original price!
#wtfuture
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence